If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times.

Bitches be cray.

My old boss would take any opportunity to remind us female staff members that we are all insane. Here goes the end to every story about any one of his many many exes, in his slightly clipped South American accent; “She was an awesome chick, like seriously, Jac, she was really cool, and hanging out with her was the best… Ya-da Ya-da… And then I realised she was fucking   c r a z y.“ Like a full stop. Like someone ripping off a mask to reveal a face with skittles for eyes and only one nostril. “Then she showed her true colours ….. And turns out she’s insane. So I dumped her. You’re all insane.” Well, boss, as much as your ego might obscure your view, have you ever stopped to consider whether you, in fact, are also a few screws loose, and when your current favourite flavour of crazy (eg. Girls with neck tattoos and a penchant for martial arts) isn’t exactly reflected in your love interest’s colour of crazy (loves chasing birds and flirting with security guards), just maybe you’re writing allllllll of them off as crazy as an excuse to dump them?

Anyway. Crazy. It comes in so many delicious flavours. Since this is a post about crazy, and the word is so loaded, from now on let’s make it C R A Z Y. God, it even looks dangerous.

So here I have compiled some of the types of crazy that are lurking among us, and inside us… On the street. In your workplace. In your bed. Because everybody is some kind of C R A Z Y whether they like it or not. And see how I said everybody? This means you guys, too. Because as much as you all love to get around writing all us women off as C R A Z Y, from what I’ve experienced in my short 23 years, you don’t get out of this lightly. We’re all mad.

1. Drunk Crazies. They may be completely sane, most of the time. Almost boring, even. We all know one of these. Your friend’s boyfriend, who normally seems like a sweet guy… But give him ten beers and he has his girlfriend on a chair in the middle of the dance floor, while his naked form gyrates over and around her nervously giggling body. Or it’s the dad who, at dinner parties, disappears for a moment and then wakes up at 4am in one of the children’s wardrobes, lets himself out and walks home. C R A Z Y. And excellent. Subtypes include those next-day-dubbed BOG (best on ground) and WGW (white-girl wasted).

2. The Dweller. Remember that time you accidentally spilled your drink on that girl at Distill in 2010? Nope? Well she fucking remembers. And she is out to get you. The dweller is crazy because they have selective memories and are living in the past, and they cannot get over any wrongdoings done to them, whilst often being incredibly hypocritical. Your classic example is Kristen from popular ridiculous reality show Vanderpump Rules, who seeks to destroy her ex boyfriend’s Tom’s girlfriend Ariana and their relationship, because Tom kissed Ariana one time while they were still going out… However, Kristen has a selective memory, and seems to forget that she slept with her boyfriend’s best friend Jax… And that she has a new boyfriend, James, who she should probably pay some attention to. But she is too busy uncovering how her ex boyfriend Tom has been cheating on Ariana. Who she hates. Because that is really relevant to her current life. Did you follow that? I tried. However, the point is Kristen is fixated on the distant past and cannot move on. Kristen is C R A Z Y.

 

 

 

 

 

3. People ruled by their emotions. Ah yes, one of the classic crazy flavours, and the one the fairer sex gets the most stick about. These are the people who experience random fits of energetic ecstasy (HEYHOWYAGOINGIMSOHAPPYTODAYLETSGODANCINGILOVETHESKYITSSOPRETTYYYAAYYYY) and expect everyone around them to match it. Or who get rubbed up the wrong way at the local pub and in a fit of rage peg an ashtray at the offender’s head. You might call them hurricanes. Emotionally driven people will cry when they’re upset, scream when they’re angry, squeal when they’re excited, and fall into hysterical laughter when they are happy. These types often experience word-vomit and say exactly what they think, their words and behaviour being filter-less and powerfully real. They might see their girlfriend talking to another guy they are vaguely suspicious of and turn green with envy before your eyes, making empty threats and plotting to “Rip the cunt’s fucking face off, you tell him I’m going to fucking kill him!” (Happened.)

On that note, a strong sub-type of this flavour of crazy is C R A Z Y in love, love being the emotional thriller that it is. I guess most of us act crazy in love, honestly. When it’s real. When we fall hard we do crazy things. Jump buildings, spend half an hour writing the perfect love-text, daydream about being in an isolated cottage, on a fur rug in front of an open fire, drinking wine while wearing nothing but their lover’s sweat… Sorry what? Ahem. We have thoughts we never believed we could think. We do things we never thought we could do. People ruled by emotions and blinded by love so often act irrationally. They feel and they respond. Sometimes it is wonderful, sometimes it is C R A Z Y. But their hearts are normally in the right place. These people are passion-fuelled and it’s a ride, alright.

4. Those who do the same thing over and over and expect different results. This is my personal favourite. This category includes that person who messages you every third day or so to see what you’re upto, with no response from yourself to encourage said messages… See below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They just keep banging their head on that brick wall, don’t they?

The other large part of this kind of crazy could be referred to as those with addictive personalities. These are people normally with big mouths, who resolve to change their lives ten times a year. Often disguised as overgrown boys with ADHD and drug problems, these people will loudly declare that they are getting clean, going to start going to the gym, eating well and saving money… Only to quickly hit a low and snapchat you a picture of their 11am beer and/or dinner plate pupils three days later. Repeating this cycle over and over is akin to banging your head against a brick wall. You haven’t changed a thing, you have just made an empty statement. You are still hanging around the same people, at the same places, and exposing yourself to the same situations. You are fucking C R A Z Y. 

4.  People who refuse to allow themselves to be happy. Whether fuelled by pride, or fear, these people are so insane that they make up little excuses as to why they just can’t. You tell them to shoot down a slip & slide down a hill on their belly into the river, and the idea thrills them… But they won’t do it. They may love someone, but give that person x y z reasons why they cannot be with them. In this case, they refuse to swallow their pride, and then when the poor person who thinks they are loved starts acting like somebody that is loved, the lover tells them in so many words (not really but we are reading between the lines here), “Stop this madness. Just because I love you doesn’t mean I’m going to be with you. Gosh. You fool!” C R A Z Y. Life is too short not to be with the one you love, while you still love them. Swallow your pride and jump, you crazy. Or get on your stomach and slide down that damn hill. You might just find that if you set aside your bullshit reasons, shock horror… You could be happy! You could have some fun!

So go on, write them off as crazy. The girl that pulled your ponytail last night. The guy who you woke up to 22 missed calls from. Write them off as C R A Z Y, if you must. They are. But you’re a hypocrite.

Because if you can honestly tell yourself that there is nothing that you do, either with your best friend, with your partner, in public or in private,

that there’s nothing that you think,

or say,

or feel,

that someone wouldn’t consider C R A Z Y,  you are potentially a sociopathic liar. Or boring as batshit.

And let’s be honest, wouldn’t you rather hang out with crazy people with feelings than sociopaths, liars and boring old-soul nanna types?

CRAZY. I’ve written the word so many times by now that it’s started to look misspelled. Strange. C r a z y. Jack Kerouac said through his character Sal Paradise “the only ones for him are the mad ones.” It is the epitome of human passion. Embrace it.